Somehow I cant forget you...

over...

2008-06-02T00:58:18Z

OveR
A poem by moi! ^-^

Looking up I notice something isnt right..
I feel you once again..
Reaching out..
I cant seem to quite grasp you..
Could it be that its not quite over..?
I thought I'd finally moved on..
But..
Now I feel my heart stir again..
I'm running foward in a dark land..
Trying so desperately to find you..
I never knew that emotions could be so strong..
And suddenly I just wish you'd come back to me..
The radiance is to much to bare..
I want you now..
You make me realize..
That your gone today..
But look toward the future and you'll be waiting for only me..
Someday..
We'll see eachother again..
I may not know its you..
You may not know its me..
But in that moment I believe...
I believe our hearts will connect once again..
Cause its never truly over...
Realize...
That no matter what..
I love you!
Destiny will repeat again..
But lets make it right this time!
You and me..
Always...

soraxchan @ 2008-06-01T06:04:00

2008-06-01T11:18:13Z

More poemage yay..

I dont know where I'm going
But taking deep breaths...
May be the only way..
I dont want to lose the ones I love..
Even though I'm pushing them away..
Hand to my chest
I want to believe..
Are there really such things as simplicity and understanding?
Can we survive just be relying on a friendly smile...?
But I know...
Wanting wont just make it happen..
I want to be close to you..
I want to tell you everything..
Even the things I hide deep inside..
Years are so long..
But I feel the soft wind caressing my skin..
I must turn my back on doubt..
"Just believe.."
I want to face my sadness..
And fight my demons to the end..
But I cant seem to do it alone..
So tell me..
Do you believe in eternity..?
Do you believe in forever and tomorrow?
When we die we are reborn..
And so now I understand..
Those who are gone..
Those who were in pain..
I believe they are alive again..
With a beautiful chance for tomorrow..
I must believe..
The rain has come and gone..
Today is the begining..
Of Forever..

soraxchan @ 2008-05-31T08:13:00

2008-05-31T13:28:05Z

So..

This is what it feels like then..? Feels like..
To be completely uncertain of ones life and future?
To be caught inbetween two uncertainties?
So many things are kept inside..
I'm selfish to be unselfish...
Will you ever understand all these things left unsaid..?
Desperately trying to find that distant far off glow...
Trying so hard just to breath..
The aching of the rift that was left..
After what I've lost..
What I've lost that was so precious to my being..
Even if I did not know it at the time...
Now I feel empty and incomplete..
The feeling of not knowing is pulling apart inside of me..
I cant help but to question..
The severe uncertain and unfair pounding of my own heart..
I feel like I'm drowning..
I cant..
I cant keep it in forever..
But I cant allow myself to explode..
I must be strong..
I must not show weakness...
"Never let anyone see you cry.."
I cant forget..
I replace illusion with what is real..
Reality is what I make it..
But someday...
Someday I'll remember the truth..
Someday..
I'll remember you...

Until then..
Slowly...
I will stop breathing...
And slowly..
I will drown...
Until I breath in the truth..
Until I hit the wake of realization..
Until then..
I will remain in a world with no you..

soraxchan @ 2008-05-29T09:05:00

2008-05-29T14:06:13Z

I love my fiance so very very much...

And the petals feel before her feet...

2008-05-25T01:46:46Z

hehehe...for once happy post!!

I'm so happy right now..things are seemingly going better. Hopefully Ruka-koi will have a job soon and then we'll get a bigger place come nov. Job for me is going pretty good..I'm not AS stressed. And my head is getting a tiny bit clearer..I just love being with my love though. I cant wait till my days off so we can spend time together. I love her so much...she means everything to me. Watching the married couple today,made me realize how much I really do want to get married...but...will anybody be happy? Will anyone be crying because they are so happy other than myself? My mom would..and it crushes me that she will not be able to see me get married..but I suppose in her own way she is still watching. But anyways..good post!!

soraxchan @ 2008-05-11T21:21:00

2008-05-12T02:28:08Z

So this is what it feels like..
When you take whats reality..
and make it fake..
Like a timer..
turn it over and watch the grains fall away..
and with it taking small parts of your sanity..
Looking around in this hazy feild..
I feel whats left of me..
Slowly fall away.
So make me your target..
And fail me now..

kitteh!

2008-05-07T01:14:05Z

I'm gettin a kitteh friday!

I'm so happy! Demo..I would've been happy either way. Amber was trying so hard to get me one..it made me happy just seeing her so determined to make me better/happy. But...friday I will be gettin a babah kitteh! We went got the stuff for it today! ^_^~ I'm so happy...I hope it helps....I'm sure it will help ^_^.

Reflected Moon..

2008-05-04T21:25:36Z

Its odd really...having so much responsbility put on me at once..suddenly becoming almost like the head of the household or whatever. Suddenly I realize I HAVE to have a future. Theres no time to be a child anymore...thats done with now. Its so hard. To think of my mother as gone,to think of all the things left unsaid and undid. Through out my life I've found it hard to be strong for myself,for others it was never a problem..but to be strong to pull my own self through something is something I've never been able to do..so I feel like almost drowning..until the other night. Riku-chan and I were talking about the future...and I realized that maybe..just maybe I can be strong and go on with a strong determination..to do things in my life. Truly oka-san is in a better place..a place without pain. She was going through so much pain in life...she was isolated at my grams,and her health and mental problems were very bad. She is now without all of that. Its selfish of me to want her to come back and be in all that pain. But the truth is..I really loved her more than she could ever know. We fought and sometimes it seemed like we had a love/hate relationship..but I loved her so much. I admired her so much also..and its so hard to let go of her. She was the one I could run to crying,and even though we did hit a rough patch during a certain time were that wasnt possible..I knew she still loved me and it wasnt her fault. If I could..I would take back all of the selfishness..If I could I would go back and make her take her medicines and make her eat right. But. I cant. But as long as I have these memories..I believe I can hold on to her in a way. She wont be gone truly. I want to forget all of the sadness,and remember the good times. I'm just so glad that I have Riku...there is no way I would be able to get through this without her by my side. I realized this week..that she truly does love me. I had doubts before,and I even though I hated it..I just couldnt believe her when she said she loved me..it wasnt her fault its just my nature. But I've never felt this loved by a person in my life. I feel warm and safe. And for the very first time..I want to live. I want to live and be with her for the rest of my life. I want a family with her,I want to exprience everything with her. I know now that Rae brought us together. Because I had someone to protect me,the goddess decided that she could let my mother be brought to peace. And I believe Rae knew I would need someone before that day came,so he led us together. He always protected me..and made me safe..so I believe in this. Fate brought us together....it was destiny I believe with all my heart. Maybe..with all of these memories..of people I loved...I can bring myself to go on. I just have to keep on believing. No one can take these memories from me..so I must keep on living holding them close.

soraxchan @ 2008-04-18T04:59:00

2008-04-18T10:06:55Z

I'll lay out my heart...
For you to see...
So then maybe you'll be able to see..
How your affecting me..
You say I'm the one who's so distant..
When your so far away...
Tonight I'll take the shot....
Tonight I'll bleed...
Escape to a place all my own...
I can't feel the connection that once took place...
Maybe I'm just in your way...
What would you say...
If I took a shot..
Gave my life to bleed for you....
Cause I dont think you realize..
How much I need you..
I thought I was important..
But you push me aside again...
So tonight I'll be the one walks away...
Cause the cuts been made..
and now it wont be the same...
Just make it stop..
I'll take the shot...
Fall lifeless to the floor..
When all I can feel is ignored...
Dont stay with me..
I dont want your pity...
I dont need your wings...
I'll crawl to my own suffering..
So tonight..
1..
....2....
......3.......
I'll pull the trigger,...
and tonight...
I'll be the one to bleed..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This was slightly inspired by 'shot' by the rasmus..but its still my own

teh seras wants to drink....

2008-04-18T07:22:59Z

UGH! I'm goin into my albel nox mood....

YOUR ALL MAGGOTS!! YOU FOOOOOOOOOOLSSSSSSS!!!! RAWR!!

I really wish Alucard-sama was here...but to me honest...I dont think it would help. I'm so untouchable right now....whyyyy do I have to be so fucked up in the head??? I dont even know....if...fuck nvm

soraxchan @ 2008-04-15T22:51:00

2008-04-16T04:09:02Z

Sniff...I miss Riku...sniff...

I wish we could've spent more of the day together...I love spending time with my riku-chan..

I would write a long sappy post about how much I love her..but I think I do that to much already.

I'm kinda upset though. I really wish we could get married this year. Its not either of our faults or anything..but I just wish we could. I think it means alot to riku..and she might not know but it means alot to me too. Its going to be wonderful spending the holidays together! I'm so excited about christmas and its just April. I've always wanted to spend it with someone I truly loved. It seems like we've been together for so long,yet not long at all. Its almost 3 months. Its odd. Her talking about her friends ex made me think...7yrs with the same person? It seems strange and surreal to think of being together with someone for so long..considering my longest is 3yrs. But, its something that I want so very badly. I would love to be with Riku for 7 years...if she doesnt get tired of me by then. ^_^

..........the day was going oh so well too...GODAMNIT!

2008-04-10T05:39:44Z

I'm sooo fucking mad!!!!!

What the fuck is the GODAMN problem?!!! The lack of respect for someone you 'care about' is considerbly rising per-moment!! I dont understand. They broke my fucking japanese doll..thats ubbbbbber important to me. I'll have to fix it AGAIN...last time paul broke it. At least it can be fixed. It makes me so mad. They stress me out so fucking bad..and leave poor Alucard-sama to pick up my peices. I go off on her sometimes..when the truth is that I'm mad at them. God. I miss her right now...I need to hear her voice. I'm so sick of this. I wish they were out of my life. But...it makes me even more grateful to have Alucard-sama..Amber in my life now. Like a neglected kitten caught out in the rain...she took me in. She fed me and gave me love and attention...told me it'd be alright. She's my protector. When I dont feel safe..I know I'll be safe with her. I find myself falling harder and harder in love with her every day..and when shes gone I miss her..and when shes leaving..I'd do anything to make her stay. She doesn't just expect me to accept everything and deal with it...if shes made a mistake she tries her best to make up for it...though sometimes admitively I dont see that. Sometimes my hurt stands between whats important and even if she apologizes her poor heart out...I just ignore it. I'm so used to sorry not being enough,im used to sorry being so hollow. When someone said their sorry..it meant nothing. OR sorry they got caught. OR sorry they wanted something from me. I'm used to blocking everyone out when I'm hurt. I need to fix that about myself. I need to accept that shes sorry and it was a mistake. Its OK to be hurt...and to still feel its sting even when she says shes sorry...but I also need to learn to accept her apology better. Thats something I need to work on...

I remember..before we got together...right before I met her. I discovered the song 'All you wanted" by Michelle Branch-lol it was Dramione Music Video (dramione-draco/hermione pairing video). I loved the song so much...and I remember thinking that all I wanted...was someone who cares. The more I got to know her...I couldnt stop thinking about that song. Maybe..just maybe...if I let her..she would care..she would give me her hand...she would SAVE me. I feel like were fated to be together,I've felt that way all along. Like it would work out and we could be together. Not to give up. I'm not the person I would've become. I know where I was heading. Everything was blurring together again...like only one other time. After he died..Rae died...I became something..someone else. I wouldn't talk..why? Everything was the same...nothing ever changed and I had nothing to live for. Yes. I could've gotten boyfriends or girlfriends easily..but at the time..right before I met her...I was just so sick with life..I didnt want to. Yes. I still love him. Yes. I still miss him. But the ache is getting taken off a bit at a time. I LOVE her. Its been hard for me to accept...and even though I knew it was true...I never really accepted till right now..right this moment. And know I understand...

I understand so much,from something that seems so little..And I CANT wait to be her wife ^_^

sigh....

2008-04-02T05:36:25Z

Well....

Things are looking up...sorta...It seems I wont be working as an unloader for TO much longer....as soon as we can get me a damn replacement. *hopes* soon..plz... I cant stand those dickheads. But...I just feel bad for Alucard-sama....she hates her job. It makes me her much more stressed out..and distant I think. I want her to quit sadly. I KNOW I shouldnt say that..and the rational side of me says "No! We need the money." But...I love her..so instead most of me says "I dont want her to be stressed like this anymore!!!" I hate seeing her like this. I'll work harder if I have to..but I just want her away from that job. The managers are bitchy and the workers are shit..but get treated better! I fucking hate it. My fiance should not be treated like that. Fuck that. but...I wouldnt make her quit..or get herself fired. -_- sigh. What to do..What to do........

whats wrong with me...

2008-03-30T00:25:00Z

I...I dont know whats up with me today...

I feel kind of weird...

I miss him...

For some reason ever since I woke up..I've been thinking about him. Wondering...what life would be like if he were here. I had a dream about him..and it was weird. Lately...I've been able to feel him more and more..to the point it feels like he is standing next to me. I always feel that warm smile that he always reserved just for me. Without seeing...I already know. I think he's worried about me. Ah..but theres just so many things I wish I could ask him...but I cant. But I geniunely miss him today...I REALLY miss him. I miss his voice..his eyes...his...well everything. Why am I thinking these things? Its probably that song..his voice sounded so similar to that guys in the song from nightwalker...but maybe thats why I love listening to it. God. It hurts.I miss him..I miss him. And here I am....alone....but I know he's always with me. I just wish I could...see him...feel him..talk to him...you know? But fuck it. Why am I not just pushing these thoughts aside...its gone. Its just gone. Its not coming back. I love amber...I do. With all of my heart...so why do I miss him? Sometimes looking at her..is like looking straight at him. They look nothing alike...except facial expressions sometimes. I suppose thats it. They do have some very alike facial expressions. Her eyes hold the same look as his sometimes...that soft beautiful look. I adore that look. It makes me feel at complete peace. They act ALOT alike sometimes though hehe. That whole "oh shit I just messed up." "I love you snuggle snuggle" so many things really. I really believe with all my heart he led me to her. I've never felt something like that..what I did the day I met her. I DO NOT INTRODUCE MYSELF NOR TRY TO MAKE CONVERSATION UNLESS TALKED TO FIRST...I NEVER do. I'm really shy..especially when it comes to things like that...but something compelled me. Something in me pulled and twisted until I talked to her. I even let myself look stupid (the question I asked) just to talk to her. I had to talk to her. Something told me that. And when I got to look in her eyes..something said "I need you" and after that I could never bring myself to walk away. I just met her..and something told me that she needed me...I've never actually felt such a pull from someone. All I knew...is even if we were just friends..I COULD NOT leave her..she needed someone...and I was more than happy to be it. I was very curious about this pull as well...so I followed and did as it led. Soon my emotions began conflicting with themselves. I think it was the first time she said "I love you.." It was in her sleep and I merely looked like a deer in head lights at her. I didnt know what to say...I knew she was half-asleep..that truly it probably meant nothing..but still..my heart wrenched. To hear her say I love you and mean it....thats what I wanted after that day. After my heart did a complete flip..I knew I had feelings for her. I already had a crush on her...but it began to appear deeper than that. I asked the cards...and I still remember what I got..but even so I never tried to break them up. LOVERS TOWER DEATH.

Lovers-means that you could be torn between two lovers (thats the meaning i took it as because of the situation)
Tower-sudden realization,an end to something,very abrupt stop to something,like a smack in the face..hurts like hell for awhile but it gets better afterwards.
Death-New relationship,Big change,New begining.

All the cards I got about her ex girlfriend (fiance at the time) were bad. Except when I did relationship of her and this guy. I really think she had feelings for him more. But I'm shutting my mouth on all this tarot stuff...dont want to upset anyone.

But..ah here we are. engaged to be married in october and living together. In my heart..I knew we would end up together,something told me that. Not to give up,or lose hope..it would be ok. I would've died if we hadnt though........not literally...just my heart. -_- yea emo w/e.

soraxchan @ 2008-03-29T03:40:00

2008-03-29T08:56:03Z

<3 <3 <3

I love my fiance so much!!

I'm finally truly happy! I look at my life...and it doesnt seem so bad as long as shes in it. I mean....there are things that annoy me..but its worth dealing with all of those things when she wakes me up when she comes home in the morning by wrapping her arms around me. I love it so much when she holds me while we sleep!! ^_^- Sqqquuuueeeeee!!! I hate that we dont get to see eachother much..but unlike some people *cough* lazy ass bitches* cough* we have jobs!! ZOMGOSH!! WE HAVE TO WORK TO SURVIVE *gasps*!!! She is my Alucard ^_^ *big grin*

Yea..another thing..

My dad is apparently borrowing a large sum of money from my grams. This pisses me off because he is holding me against her and giving her a sob story. My poor grams worked her life so hard for her money...and now he's trying to spend her lifes hard earnings. I FUCKING HATE IT. He asked Mary if she told me...of course she didnt....you know I would be ashamed too. She didnt want me to know cause she damn well knows she has NO business getting money from MY grams. I HATE HER. She knows I know and grams knows (deep down) that its because she cant manage her money..they would be fine if she would. And it pisses me off...that she never recongnizes all the money I gave them. Its always "I apperciate paul giving us this or that.." not me. She just expects money now..no ty. Guess what?? Ima give you gas money..and thats it. Shes number 1 on my hate list....as sad as that is. I try SO hard not to hate ppl...but with her it cant be helped.

I'm so happy that these iron pills that my beloved bought me (so sweet of her ^_^-) are helping me!! There's been so much i've wanted to do but couldnt because I've been so tired lately. My grams still wants me to go to the doctor...she says if they help I have Anemia for sure then...but they are taking off the edge. Y_Y I dun wanna go to the doctor. Azzzweeeelllllsssss....

^_^ I love my baby so much!!! heheh. I cant wait for her to come home..Ima go to bed now...im supposed to be asleep already hehe...^_^;;

soraxchan @ 2008-03-25T22:59:00

2008-03-26T04:13:34Z

yays..lesbian pirates..whooohoooo!!

yays..
I really want to do a least a little manga for that book-Branded Ann..its very inspiring artwork wise..I think riku is right..it would make a good movie..or anime even!

Ugh...I'm so fucking tired. Everything bothers my skin...grams is convinced im anemic..she is too. She passes out all the time though..I'm kinda scared...still..cause i hate feeling like this. Thats why ive been so moody and i wanna die like lately...its messing with my mood. But amber is so wonderful..she takes so good care of me. She makes sure i feel loved and happy...and most of the time I dont tell her when I feel faint or something I dont want to worry her. But she truly is the most wonderful thing in my life..I love her so deeply. *kisses*

I wonder...

2008-03-22T09:53:21Z

I wonder...

I wonder if her dream is the same as mine..
I wonder if her love is as strong as mine..
I wonder if she feels the same way I do sometimes..
I wonder if she gets romantic or giggly when she thinks about me..
I wonder if she misses me when I'm not around..
I wonder if she always tells me the truth when she says forever..
I wonder if she ever thinks im cute..
I wonder if she is ever proud to say im hers when talking to people..
I wonder if she wonders these things too...

happy post la multi-colour

2008-03-21T10:50:19Z

hehe..

Im in a very good mood this morning..

Gosh last night at work was so fucking boring. I hate betty...I hope she wont be there tonight...I mean she DOES have days off right? I freaking hope so.

You know..no matter how mad I said I was..and was convinced I was. I was so happy to see riku-chan when she came home yesterday morning ^-^ I'm glad we worked it out...and we really didnt fight about it either. I had already calmed down enough to where I was just happy she was home. Shes the first person I've been with where its actually hard for me to stay mad at...I can get mad at her but its difficult for me STAY mad. I usually just want to run up and cuddle her to stop her from being upset lol. Today is our anniversary! ^_^- 2 months! Actually I think it may be 3..but im not sure. I'm almost postive its 2 months though.

So yea...everything is good with me and my fiance ^_^ hehe its odd..I really like calling her that. I usually call her that during conversation too.."Yea I moved in with my fiance didnt I tell you..?" yea that was my discussion with 'yogurt' the other day lol...you know I dont actually know his real name...shame shame.

Godamnit. My check was so pitiful..everyones was from what I understand. I feel ubber bad for missing that day now..I think it was like a day and a half or something. It wasnt as bad as I thought it might've been...so thats good. I feel bad though..so no more missing days!!!! If I dont miss days I get almost 400 so..that would defiantly be helpful!! My next check will be better though so...yea I'll just have to stick it out till then. I wish I could give more money to riku though....I feel ubber bad about it. My check seems so tiny compared to hers -_-

finally a happy post! ^-^

2008-03-18T20:11:03Z

I'm so glad!

I'm in a good mood today! I was upset when I came home but that was just because of dumb guys at work..and when I vented about their ignorance I felt much better! ^_^. I felt so bad for snapping on Riku like I did these past days...I didnt mean to...the stress and everything is ubber getting to me..that and *cough* other things *cough*. But no matter what I really do love and want to be with Riku. Sometimes I think It might not seem like it..but its just the stress getting the better of me. I could tell I was getting a little better when I kinda snapped on her the other night for being like a guy and I thought she was mocking me/making fun of me...but I kinda gave in a bit quick on forgiving her. I'm not so angery all the time...I'm still a little senstive..but I think thats cause of other things. I know I can a bitch sometimes,I know I can be jealous sometimes, I know I can be distant,senstive,emotionally needy? I know I can be like that. Alot of it has to do with other things in my past though. I get jealous only of people I feel are a threat..like riku's friends nah..I'm not jealous of them at all..actually I'm always happy when she hangs out with them cause to me friendship is very important and you defiantly need friends not just a girlfriend/fiance. I had an ex who was like 'your all I need' OMFG! I couldnt hang out with my friends cause of him. >_< that was annoying. Besides Riku's happiness is my number 1 concern.

I'm so sick of guys though...

I dont find myself attractive..not at all actually.,..but WTF is with all the guys at work hitting on me?!! I dont want to bang you,I dont want to suck you, I dont want to date you,and truly I dont want anything at all to do with most of you. If you think I'm going to cheat on my fiance for your pathetic asses...you have even less brains then I first thought....which means you dont have any at all..cause I suspected pea size. Alot of girls would be like 'omg everyone wants me ayayyayayaa' I just want them to leave me the fuck alone! At least riku knows I wouldn't fuck anyone but her...besides no one can do like my riku-chan ^_~ so they best not even try. Me and my baby make this world jealous ^-^ hehe. But yea...I'm not going to fuck any of them....even if I poppped some pills I wouldnt tap that...^_~

soraxchan @ 2008-03-13T22:18:00

2008-03-14T03:33:21Z

yay...poemlets....-_-;;

Theres so much I want to say....
But the words never came...
In my heart..
I'm dreaming of my fate...
Everything just makes me colder..
And I'm afriad someday I just wont be the same...
I'm pouring crimson tears...
The skin is torn..
But still it wont take away this pain...
I can bleed all night long...
But it wont take away these scars..
The ones no one can see...
Without you..
I'm lonely and broken...
Tell me baby...
Do you really love me...?
Or is it just what I pretend to be...
It would so easy..
To bend and twist my veins out...
And bleed away the hours...
Until finally theres nothing left to breathe...
But I'm drowning..
And you keep giving me air..
Regardless of the anger I show....
And in the end....
Its only you and me...
And no one can take away my love...
I dont need the stars..
They shine in your eyes...
I dont need the sun...
Your arms are enough to keep me warm...
I dont need a love song...
Your words are enough to touch my soul...
And everytime I bleed...
I'm bleeding you..
Because your the life inside of me....
Does it show in my eyes..?
Can you see my love too..?
I look up at you..
I know I'm not good enough...
Resting my head on your lap..
But...
But please...
Tell me you'll take all thats left of me........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yea...I'm actually crying right now lol. I love her so much.....so so much...i would be dead right now if it werent for her. I'm so grateful...so so so so very very grateful...shes done so much...and i've done so little. I can never make up to her as much as she gives me everyday...I try so hard..but its never enough to me....

....................

2008-03-12T07:25:32Z

fuck.
fuck this.
fuck all of it.
I dont even feel like trying anymore.

Yea you know...I realize there are assholes everywhere...and yea I understand that being with a girl is going to be hard..the life im leading is going to be hard...I accepted that years ago when I realized I was bi...and im not asking for acceptance..I dont care..but keep your goddamn comments and opioions to yourself about it. I bitch about your sexual preferance so shut your fucking mouth...and dont you bring my personal life into my work. Just because your a closed minded power tripped bitch doesnt mean that you have a right to fuck with me about it. I have enough all my plate as it is damnit..my body hurts...all the fucking time..I dont tell anyone the full extent of the pain...cause I dont feel like being a whiny lil bitch and I take great pride in my strength through pain thank you. It pisses me off so much I work my ass off when I'm at work unlike lets say...terry...and who never gets in trouble for any godamn thing? For months its felt like there is actually a fucking razor embedded in my right foot..but do you hear me bitching? No. Do you see me staying home or going home early like some of the unloaders? No. But of course does that matter...? No. They take up to a half hour breaks..and I take 6 MINUTES over....and I'm fucked. Not like I didnt already have enough to fucking stress what with unloading the truck with no enough ppl,always doing that side of the line by my fucking self,and my grams and moms health failling. My grams is DYING GODAMNIT!!! Her body is failing...but do you hear me taking it out on ppl who dont fucking deserve it like some fucking self absorbed pyscho bitch DO YOU?!!! Just because you have issues..Just because you cant handle the pressure...Just because you need to go fucking shoot yourself in the godamn head..doesnt mean you need to take it out on someone else when you have no idea....I HATE selfish people..there is nothing wrong with being selfish once in awhile...its human nature...EVERYONE is selfish one time or another arent they? But its peole who completely forget other peoples feelings...forget that other people are human just like thereselves. People like Betty. People like Mikki. I know shes selfish. I know I should just let her go...so why cant I? Something stops me everytime. I feel like we still have some sort of connection. But not its no where near what Riku and I have. I really do feel connected to Riku. Its odd too. Sometimes I can feel her pain,or even emotions. I truly do feel connected to her...like we're supposed to be together. So...why cant I let Mikki go the fuck to NY? I actually asked her to stay today. I was weak..I'm so scared of being alone. And with grams dying....and she will die soon...and my mom in bad heatlh..I got panicy. I dont wand to be alone. I wont have any family left. I dont watn to be alone. I want her gone so bad. I know it hurts Riku her being here. She doesnt say but...she doesnt really have to. But in my heart...I know who I want to be with...and I very much know who I dont want to be with. I want to be with Amber. Only her. I want to marry her...
I really do. I believe shes right. Rae always wanted to protect me..and I was so hurt...I believe he led me to her. Its weird..but I really do. Unn...my eyes hurt...time for laying down..I hope riku calls..I want to talk to her about grams being in the hospital. But I dont want to call her cause betty will bitch at her....but It hurts..I really need to talk to her...

>_> Squeeeeeee

2008-03-06T04:42:28Z

Soooo...

I talked to my mom bouts october...plz..someone remind me why I had such a 'brillant' plan? She starts in immediatly about how may would be better and I should get a mid-evil (sp? w/e) dress and how i would look so pretty in this or that...XoX my brain is friiiiiiiiied....but grammies said she would come even if it was a handfasting....which is a big thing for her. I'm so glad that grammies is being so acceptive of this....I never thought she would be..I didnt want to hide it..but I thought I might have to around her...but nope..she luffles amber.

but....

I'm a bit depressed...

I'm forgetting. I'm forgetting about him more and more...I cant remember everything about this face like I used to. A few memories arent as clear as they used to be...I promised I would never forget. Mikki said...that it means I'm finally getting over him..but I dont want to! I dont want to let go. I know..she says its not healthy...but I cant...he was my first prince...the first one to show me that I didnt have to be so sad all the time. I want to keep his memory as close to me as possible...I cant let go..I just cant. I feel sometimes..that if I let myself go on and be happy and live my life without hestitation of his thoughts...that I'm betraying him or I've let him go. I dont know why it matters so much,no,thats not true..I know why...I loved him. I loved him so much. Maybe thats why I'm always so scared of being happy...so terrified of being safe...nothing scares me worse than being safe...because the last time I felt as safe as I do with amber...it was torn away from me so suddenly. I dont know If I'll ever be able to recover from that. Thats why no matter what I still feel cold and distant..because I'm holding back. I dont know if I'll ever let go of this..I dont know if I can...I probably do need to let him go....move on. I dont have to lose his memory to do that...I know..but I'm still afraid..

I want you to believe in me..

2008-03-06T03:36:26Z

Ningentte Sonna Mono ne by Kokia

Did you want to become your idea of perfect?
You were probably just imitating someone, right?
Any way of flying is OK, right?
It's having the courage to take off that's important, right?

We say things like "It's no good now", but

We become ourselves through crying and laughing
And worrying and getting back up and everything we feel
Living and being ourselves and everyday joys
Make us happy
Believing and trying
And doing it over every time
That's the way people are
The way we can forgive each other is wonderful

You're so resolute because you're tired, right?
This may surprise you, but nobody minds
Did you think you'd come this far alone
Because you didn't want to cause anyone any trouble?

People are...

As we help each other and lend each other a shoulder
And stop after every few steps
Breathing, taking deep breaths
And sighing sometimes
We become ourselves through crying and laughing
And worrying and getting back up and everything we feel
That's the way people are
The way we can forgive each other is wonderful

If you can share times of happiness with someone
Then you're never alone, even in hard times
That's the joy of sharing

As we help each other and lend each other a shoulder
And stop after every few steps
Breathing, taking deep breaths
And sighing sometimes
We become ourselves through crying and laughing
And worrying and getting back up and everything we feel
That's the way people are
The way we can forgive each other is wonderful

As we help each other and lend each other a shoulder
And stop after every few steps
Breathing, taking deep breaths
And sighing sometimes
We become ourselves through crying and laughing
And worrying and getting back up and everything we feel
That's the way people are
The way we can forgive each other is wonderful

We are all naked
All searching for warmth
Amid all our weakness and sadness
And trying to move forward somehow

unnnn >_

2008-03-05T08:12:06Z

..its now been...2 whole...days...2 whole days and NO SEX. And now..now that my beloved Riku is gone..now..im feeling it. I'm so fuckin happy in the pants it hurts!!! This sucks ass. I want mah riku!!! *whines and sniffles* this is torturous. But i'm feeling just a bit better. Which means there is a possiblity of me getting riku to give me some today ^-^ *big hopeful smile* I was tryin to rape her alllll morning..but no. "Your sick...you dont have enough energy.." My love..my dearest sweetest love...the one I would die for....there is NEVER to sick or not enough energy to rape you darling...^_^ If you werent so freakin smexy...thennnn maaaaybe..but no..you have to look like a sexier ver of shane..so guess what your screwed and I DO mean literally...cause I'll be damned if I dont rape you today! *gets out ninja planning book of stealth and rapingness* But~ on another note..I love my amber so much!!

I wrote a poem *cough* it sucks * cough* but yea...

Inside this frozen memory..
Theres pictures of you and me..
My hearts stopped beating..
And I'm falling..
Shards of glass..
Peices of memories..
Peices of me..
Things dont mean what they used to mean...
Some mean more..
I'm not who I used to be..
Love me..
Hate me..
Thats your choice..
I'm sick of trying for you best opioion...
I'm so cold...
and I hate the distance it brings..
I cant feel anyone...
Everything seems so far...
But when you with me...
You bring me back again..
Back from that place..
That I dont want to go..
I've never felt like I do now...
For the first time I feel safe...
I dont understand..
And it scares me..
So I draw away..
But your all I'll ever want...
I'm so happy here in your arms...
Now close your eyes and dream with me..
And soon you'll see..
Whats in my heart..
I know sometimes..
You cant find what your looking for..
When your staring into my eyes..
But I'll always be standing here with you...
I'm bound to you now..
Cause you kept me there in your heart..
So no matter what...
I'll stay with you..
And even if you chose to walk away..
I'll stay here waiting..
Always..

~~~~
SOOOO give me noooookie rikkkkuuuuuuuu!!!! *faints and twitches* nooo-kiiiieee....*sob*