OveR 
A poem by moi! ^-^

Looking up I notice something isnt right..
I feel you once again..
Reaching out..
I cant seem to quite grasp you..
Could it be that its not quite over..?
I thought I'd finally moved on..
But..
Now I feel my heart stir again..
I'm running foward in a dark land..
Trying so desperately to find you..
I never knew that emotions could be so strong..
And suddenly I just wish you'd come back to me..
The radiance is to much to bare..
I want you now..
You make me realize..
That your gone today..
But look toward the future and you'll be waiting for only me..
Someday..
We'll see eachother again..
I may not know its you..
You may not know its me..
But in that moment I believe...
I believe our hearts will connect once again..
Cause its never truly over...
Realize...
That no matter what..
I love you! 
Destiny will repeat again..
But lets make it right this time!
You and me..
Always...
 

 

More poemage yay..

I dont know where I'm going
But taking deep breaths...
May be the only way..
I dont want to lose the ones I love..
Even though I'm pushing them away..
Hand to my chest
I want to believe..
Are there really such things as simplicity and understanding?
Can we survive just be relying on a friendly smile...?
But I know...
Wanting wont just make it happen..
I want to be close to you..
I want to tell you everything..
Even the things I hide deep inside..
Years are so long..
But I feel the soft wind caressing my skin..
I must turn my back on doubt..
"Just believe.." 
I want to face my sadness..
And fight my demons to the end..
But I cant seem to do it alone..
So tell me..
Do you believe in eternity..?
Do you believe in forever and tomorrow? 
When we die we are reborn..
And so now I understand..
Those who are gone..
Those who were in pain..
I believe they are alive again..
With a beautiful chance for tomorrow..
I must believe..
The rain has come and gone..
Today is the begining..
Of Forever..

 

So..

This is what it feels like then..? Feels like..
To be completely uncertain of ones life and future? 
To be caught inbetween two uncertainties? 
So many things are kept inside..
I'm selfish to be unselfish...
Will you ever understand all these things left unsaid..?
Desperately trying to find that distant far off glow...
Trying so hard just to breath..
The aching of the rift that was left..
After what I've lost..
What I've lost that was so precious to my being..
Even if I did not know it at the time...
Now I feel empty and incomplete..
The feeling of not knowing is pulling apart inside of me..
I cant help but to question..
The severe uncertain and unfair pounding of my own heart..
I feel like I'm drowning..
I cant..
I cant keep it in forever..
But I cant allow myself to explode..
I must be strong..
I must not show weakness...
"Never let anyone see you cry.." 
I cant forget..
I replace illusion with what is real..
Reality is what I make it..
But someday...
Someday I'll remember the truth..
Someday..
I'll remember you...

Until then..
Slowly...
I will stop breathing...
And slowly..
I will drown...
Until I breath in the truth..
Until I hit the wake of realization..
Until then..
I will remain in a world with no you..

 

hehehe...for once happy post!!

I'm so happy right now..things are seemingly going better. Hopefully Ruka-koi will have a job soon and then we'll get a bigger place come nov. Job for me is going pretty good..I'm not AS stressed. And my head is getting a tiny bit clearer..I just love being with my love though. I cant wait till my days off so we can spend time together. I love her so much...she means everything to me. Watching the married couple today,made me realize how much I really do want to get married...but...will anybody be happy? Will anyone be crying because they are so happy other than myself? My mom would..and it crushes me that she will not be able to see me get married..but I suppose in her own way she is still watching. But anyways..good post!! 

 

So this is what it feels like..
When you take whats reality..
and make it fake..
Like a timer..
turn it over and watch the grains fall away.. 
and with it taking small parts of your sanity..
Looking around in this hazy feild..
I feel whats left of me..
Slowly fall away.
So make me your target..
And fail me now..

I'm gettin a kitteh friday! 

I'm so happy! Demo..I would've been happy either way. Amber was trying so hard to get me one..it made me happy just seeing her so determined to make me better/happy. But...friday I will be gettin a babah kitteh! We went got the stuff for it today! ^_^~ I'm so happy...I hope it helps....I'm sure it will help ^_^. 

 

Its odd really...having so much responsbility put on me at once..suddenly becoming almost like the head of the household or whatever. Suddenly I realize I HAVE to have a future. Theres no time to be a child anymore...thats done with now. Its so hard. To think of my mother as gone,to think of all the things left unsaid and undid. Through out my life I've found it hard to be strong for myself,for others it was never a problem..but to be strong to pull my own self  through something is something I've never been able to do..so I feel like almost drowning..until the other night. Riku-chan and I were talking about the future...and I realized that maybe..just maybe I can be strong and go on with a strong determination..to do things in my life. Truly oka-san is in a better place..a place without pain. She was going through so much pain in life...she was isolated at my grams,and her health and mental problems were very bad. She is now without all of that. Its selfish of me to want her to come back and be in all that pain. But the truth is..I really loved her more than she could ever know. We fought and sometimes it seemed like we had a love/hate relationship..but I loved her so much. I admired her so much also..and its so hard to let go of her. She was the one I could run to crying,and even though we did hit a rough patch during a certain time were that wasnt possible..I knew she still loved me and it wasnt her fault. If I could..I would take back all of the selfishness..If I could I would go back and make her take her medicines and make her eat right. But. I cant. But as long as I have these memories..I believe I can hold on to her in a way. She wont be gone truly. I want to forget all of the sadness,and remember the good times. I'm just so glad that I have Riku...there is no way I would be able to get through this without her by my side. I realized this week..that she truly does love me. I had doubts before,and I even though I hated it..I just couldnt believe her when she said she loved me..it wasnt her fault its just my nature. But I've never felt this loved by a person in my life. I feel warm and safe. And for the very first time..I want to live. I want to live and be with her for the rest of my life. I want a family with her,I want to exprience everything with her. I know now that Rae brought us together. Because I had someone to protect me,the goddess decided that she could let my mother be brought to peace. And I believe Rae knew I would need someone before that day came,so he led us together. He always protected me..and made me safe..so I believe in this. Fate brought us together....it was destiny I believe with all my heart. Maybe..with all of these memories..of people I loved...I can bring myself to go on. I just have to keep on believing. No one can take these memories from me..so I must keep on living holding them close. 

 

I'll lay out my heart...
For you to see...
So then maybe you'll be able to see..
How your affecting me..
You say I'm the one who's so distant..
When your so far away...
Tonight I'll take the shot....
Tonight I'll bleed...
Escape to a place all my own...
I can't feel the connection that once took place...
Maybe I'm just in your way...
What would you say...
If I took a shot..
Gave my life to bleed for  you....
Cause I dont think you realize..
How much I need you..
I thought I was important..
But you push me aside again...
So tonight I'll be the one walks away...
Cause the cuts been made..
and now it wont be the same...
Just make it stop..
I'll take the shot...
Fall lifeless to the floor..
When all I can feel is ignored...
Dont stay with me..
I dont want your pity...
I dont need your wings...
I'll crawl to my own suffering..
So tonight..
1..
....2....
......3.......
I'll pull the trigger,...
and tonight...
I'll be the one to bleed..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This was slightly inspired by 'shot' by the rasmus..but its still my own

 

UGH! I'm goin into my albel nox mood....

YOUR ALL MAGGOTS!! YOU FOOOOOOOOOOLSSSSSSS!!!! RAWR!!

I really wish Alucard-sama was here...but to me honest...I dont think it would help. I'm so untouchable right now....whyyyy do I have to be so fucked up in the head??? I dont even know....if...fuck nvm

 


I...I dont know whats up with me today...

I feel kind of weird...

I miss him...

For some reason ever since I woke up..I've been thinking about him. Wondering...what life would be like if he were here. I had a dream about him..and it was weird. Lately...I've been able to feel him more and more..to the point it feels like he is standing next to me. I always feel that warm smile that he always reserved just for me. Without seeing...I already know. I think he's worried about me. Ah..but theres just so many things I wish I could ask him...but I cant. But I geniunely miss him today...I REALLY miss him. I miss his voice..his eyes...his...well everything. Why am I thinking these things? Its probably that song..his voice sounded so similar to that guys in the song from nightwalker...but maybe thats why I love listening to it. God. It hurts.I miss him..I miss him. And here I am....alone....but I know he's always with me. I just wish I could...see him...feel him..talk to him...you know? But fuck it. Why am I not just pushing these thoughts aside...its gone. Its just gone. Its not coming back. I love amber...I do. With all of my heart...so why do I miss him? Sometimes looking at her..is like looking straight at him. They look nothing alike...except facial expressions sometimes. I suppose thats it. They do have some very alike facial expressions. Her eyes hold the same look as his sometimes...that soft beautiful look. I adore that look. It makes me feel at complete peace. They act ALOT alike sometimes though hehe. That whole "oh shit I just messed up." "I love you snuggle snuggle" so many things really. I really believe with all my heart he led me to her. I've never felt something like that..what I did the day I met her. I DO NOT INTRODUCE MYSELF NOR TRY TO MAKE CONVERSATION UNLESS TALKED TO FIRST...I NEVER do. I'm really shy..especially when it comes to things like that...but something compelled me. Something in me pulled and twisted until I talked to her. I even let myself look stupid (the question I asked) just to talk to her. I had to talk to her. Something told me that. And when I got to look in her eyes..something said "I need you" and after that I could never bring myself to walk away. I just met her..and something told me that she needed me...I've never actually felt such a pull from someone. All I knew...is even if we were just friends..I COULD NOT leave her..she needed someone...and I was more than happy to be it. I was very curious about this pull as well...so I followed and did as it led. Soon my emotions began conflicting with themselves. I think it was the first time she said "I love you.." It was in her sleep and I merely looked like a deer in head lights at her. I didnt know what to say...I knew she was half-asleep..that truly it probably meant nothing..but still..my heart wrenched. To hear her say I love you and mean it....thats what I wanted after that day. After my heart did a complete flip..I knew I had feelings for her. I already had a crush on her...but it began to appear deeper than that. I asked the cards...and I still remember what I got..but even so I never tried to break them up. LOVERS TOWER DEATH.

Lovers-means that you could be torn between two lovers (thats the meaning i took it as because of the situation)
Tower-sudden realization,an end to something,very abrupt stop to something,like a smack in the face..hurts like hell for awhile but it gets better afterwards.
Death-New relationship,Big change,New begining. 

All the cards I got about her ex girlfriend (fiance at the time) were bad. Except when I did relationship of her and this guy. I really think she had feelings for him more. But I'm shutting my mouth on all this tarot stuff...dont want to upset anyone.

But..ah here we are. engaged to be married in october and living together. In my heart..I knew we would end up together,something told me that. Not to give up,or lose hope..it would be ok. I would've died if we hadnt though........not literally...just my heart. -_- yea emo w/e.

yays..lesbian pirates..whooohoooo!!

yays..
I really want to do a least a little manga for that book-Branded Ann..its very inspiring artwork wise..I think riku is right..it would make a good movie..or anime even! 

Ugh...I'm so fucking tired. Everything bothers my skin...grams is convinced im anemic..she is too. She passes out all the time though..I'm kinda scared...still..cause i hate feeling like this. Thats why ive been so moody and i wanna die like lately...its messing with my mood. But amber is so wonderful..she takes so good care of me. She makes sure i feel loved and happy...and most of the time I dont tell her when I feel faint or something I dont want to worry her. But she truly is the most wonderful thing in my life..I love her so deeply. *kisses*

 I wonder...

I wonder if her dream is the same as mine..
I wonder if her love is as strong as mine..
I wonder if she feels the same way I do sometimes..
I wonder if she gets romantic or giggly when she thinks about me..
I wonder if she misses me when I'm not around..
I wonder if she always tells me the truth when she says forever..
I wonder if she ever thinks im cute..
I wonder if she is ever proud to say im hers when talking to people..
I wonder if she wonders these things too...

I'm so glad!

I'm in a good mood today! I was upset when I came home but that was just because of dumb guys at work..and when I vented about their ignorance I felt much better! ^_^. I felt so bad for snapping on Riku like I did these past days...I didnt mean to...the stress and everything is ubber getting to me..that and *cough* other things *cough*. But no matter what I really do love and want to be with Riku. Sometimes I think It might not seem like it..but its just the stress getting the better of me. I could tell I was getting a little better when I kinda snapped on her the other night for being like a guy and I thought she was mocking me/making fun of me...but I kinda gave in a bit quick on forgiving her. I'm not so angery all the time...I'm still a little senstive..but I think thats cause of other things. I  know I can a bitch sometimes,I know I can be jealous sometimes, I know I can be distant,senstive,emotionally needy? I know I can be like that. Alot of it has to do with other things in my past though. I get jealous only of people I feel are a threat..like riku's friends nah..I'm not jealous of them at all..actually I'm always happy when she hangs out with them cause to me friendship is very important and you defiantly need friends not just a girlfriend/fiance. I had an ex who was like 'your all I need' OMFG! I couldnt hang out with my friends cause of him. >_< that was annoying. Besides Riku's happiness is my number 1 concern. 

I'm so sick of guys though...

I dont find myself attractive..not at all actually.,..but WTF is with all the guys at work hitting on me?!! I dont want to bang you,I dont want to suck you, I dont want to date you,and truly I dont want anything at all to do with most of you. If you think I'm going to cheat on my fiance for your pathetic asses...you have even less brains then I first thought....which means you dont have any at all..cause I suspected pea size. Alot of girls would be like 'omg everyone wants me ayayyayayaa' I just want them to leave me the fuck alone! At least riku knows I wouldn't fuck anyone but her...besides no one can do like my riku-chan ^_~ so they best not even try. Me and my baby make this world jealous ^-^ hehe. But yea...I'm not going to fuck any of them....even if I poppped some pills I wouldnt tap that...^_~

 yay...poemlets....-_-;;

Theres so much I want to say....
But the words never came...
In my heart..
I'm dreaming of my fate...
Everything just makes me colder..
And I'm afriad someday I just wont be the same...
I'm pouring crimson tears...
The skin is torn..
But still it wont take away this pain...
I can bleed all night long...
But it wont take away these scars..
The ones no one can see...
Without you..
I'm lonely and broken...
Tell me baby...
Do you really love me...?
Or is it just what I pretend to be...
It would so easy..
To bend and twist my veins out...
And bleed away the hours...
Until finally theres nothing left to breathe...
But I'm drowning..
And you keep giving me air..
Regardless of the anger I show....
And in the end....
Its only you and me...
And  no one can take away my love...
I dont need the stars..
They shine in your eyes...
I dont need the sun...
Your arms are enough to keep me warm...
I dont need a love song...
Your words are enough to touch my soul...
And everytime I bleed...
I'm bleeding you..
Because your the life inside of me....
Does it show in my eyes..?
Can you see my love too..?
I look up at you..
I know I'm not good enough...
Resting my head on your lap..
But...
But please...
Tell me you'll take all thats left of me........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yea...I'm actually crying right now lol. I love her so much.....so so much...i would be dead right now if it werent for her. I'm so grateful...so so so so very very grateful...shes done so much...and i've done so little. I can never make up to her as much as she gives me everyday...I try so hard..but its never enough to me....